When Russian Vladimir Nabakov released his first English novel, Lolita, he was heavily criticised for choosing such a shocking subject matter, no-one really bothered to congratulate him on writing flawlessly in a foreign language. But that’s the Anglophone world for you – few of us really appreciate the difficulty of learning and applying a foreign language to the heights that Nabakov achieved in English.

Alas, not everyone has Nabakov’s talent. Mathias Malzieu for example.

Who he?

Monsieur Malzieu is a French singer-songwriter who took a stab at writing a few lyrics in English for the second album by the then not-so-well-known Olivia Ruiz, winner of France’s first season of Star Academy. Her first album having sold a mere 85,000 copies, M. Malzieu obviously thought it wasn’t worth getting his work double checked before getting Mlle Ruiz to record his little creation.

“I need a child” is the third track on Olivia Ruiz block-busting album ‘La femme chocolat’. Tracks 1 and 2 from the album were both smash hits in the French charts, which is why this third ditty sticks out like a sore, er, tit. The tune isn’t that bad – but if this track was intended as an attempt to provide Mlle Ruiz with a opening into the English music market – it’s failed spectacularly.

Read for yourself:

I need a child
Into my middle
I need a child
a wild one

under my skin
a little bone
a speaking tree
is growing on me

I’ve got flowers exploding on my swinging tit’s
So many flowers exploding on my swinging tit’s
I need a child

My heart is a dead frog hauting on my broken throat
with the red lipstick stuck and his bleeding mooth
I can’t breath

It’s so cold, warm me up, feel me up, build me a child
I’m in bloom “boom” into my middle
I’m in blue boom into my heart
I’m in bloom “boom” into my middle
I’m in blue boom into my heart

Since the day of my brothers’ birth
Oh brothers’-bird, I’ve understood
there’s a mother exploding on my swinging tit’s
So many flowers exploding on my swinging tit’s

I need a child (and a language checker)