So we’re a mere 7 days away from decision time. So, even though I have yet to qualify as a member of the electorate, I thought I would give you a quick biased run down of the 11 candidates hoping to become France’s premier.

Nathalie Arthaud

  • Party: Communist Fight Club
  • Day Job: Economics teacher
  • Crazy rating: 5/5 (An economics teacher representing the communists? Seriously?!)
  • Policy highlights: Plans to outlaw redundancy and let the workers have a say in the running of their employer’s business. Free money for poor people. The end of capitalism, etc.
  • Electability: 0/5

Philippe Poutou

  • Party: The Anti-capitalists
  • Day Job: Factory Hand
  • Crazy rating: 5/5
  • Policy highlights: Overthrow capitalism through revolution and all that sort of thing…
  • Electability: 0/5

Jean-Luc Mélenchon

  • Party: The Super-Socialists for a Rebellious France
  • Day Job: Politician
  • Crazy rating: 4/5 (Former bog-standard socialist turned ultra-socialist)
  • Policy highlights: Create constitutional chaos by forming the 6th Republic through a referendum. Ditch EU, Euro and Nato. Tax the rich so heavily they’ll want to leave France.
  • Electability: 3/5 (surprisingly popular with young voters looking to overthrow the old order – but don’t feel comfortable with the National Front)

Benoît Hamon

  • Party: Labour
  • Day Job: Politician
  • Crazy rating: 3/5
  • Policy highlights: Pay everyone a household income in anticipation of a jobless society – where robots have taken over and Skynet has yet to produce its first terminator.
  • Electability: 2/5 (Looks too much like Leonard Nimoy)

Emmanuel Macron

  • Party: Money Supermarket
  • Day Job: Politician
  • Crazy rating: 1/5
  • Policy highlights: Punishment beatings for Brexiters.
  • Electability: 4/5 (he’s the only candidate who isn’t under investigation for fraud, yet, and isn’t a grade ‘A’ nutjob)

Jean Lassalle

  • Party: Big Noses Anonymous
  • Day Job: Politician
  • Crazy rating: 5/5
  • Policy highlights: Spend more money on useful things like Military Service and adding more civil servants.
  • Electability: 0/5 (that nose is impressive – but reminds everyone too much of General De Gaulle)

François Fillon

  • Party: Sarko and chums
  • Day Job: Politician
  • Crazy rating: 2/5 (Continued with campaign even after scandals suggest he’ll be locked up just as soon as he loses his parliamentary immunity)
  • Policy highlights: Stay in power as long as possible and adapt policies accordingly.
  • Electability: 3/5 (Charismatic old guard in the mould of Chirac. i.e. dodgy. Under investigation for syphoning off one million Euros to his wife)

Nicolas Dupont-Aignan

  • Party: Time to get up, France
  • Day Job: Politician
  • Crazy rating: 5/5
  • Policy highlights: More referendums. Ditch EU, Euro and Nato. Annoy Germany and America. Kiss-up to Russia. Invade Africa.
  • Electability: 0/5 (Makes Farage look well balanced)

François Asselineau

  • Party: The Donald Trump Baguette Party
  • Day Job: Tax inspector
  • Crazy rating: 5/5
  • Policy highlights: Annoy America. Ditch EU, Euro and Nato. Kiss-up to Russia. Don’t invade Africa, yet.
  • Electability: 0/5 (Who’d vote for a taxman?!)

Marine Le Pen

  • Party: Frexit Now (FN)
  • Day Job: Politician (in the very loosest sense of the word)
  • Crazy rating: 4/5
  • Policy highlights: Keep foreigners out. Don’t trust Muslims or Jews. Drop out of the Euro. Do some of those things that Fillon and Macron are suggesting because they seem popular. Stay in power to remain immune to various fraud investigations.
  • Electability: 4/5 (when compared to the other candidates)

Jacques Cheminade

  • Party: Stop and Pause for thought (S&P)
  • Day Job: Writer & Politician
  • Crazy rating: 3/5 (an idealist who foresaw the financial crisis)
  • Policy highlights: Wipe out the national debt. Ditch EU and the Euro. Create a new world order.
  • Electability: 0/5 (too old, too quiet and not rich enough to get noticed)

So now you should be able to make an informed choice. Unfortunately, if you are able to vote, you will have seen that there isn’t much of a choice at all.

With my French citizenship in process however I’d like to make a plea to all those of you who are allowed to vote: please put your x next to Macron ! He may not be perfect – but if you ask me I think he is the least likely to do a worse job than his predecessors !