An Englishman in Strasbourg

Strasbourg’s airport has yet to welcome in any of the low cost airlines, thanks in no small part to French protectionism. If there had been such a thing as a French low-cost carrier, I’m sure we would have had at least a direct link to Brussels in operation by now.

So if you want to fly direct to Strasbourg from the UK you have no choice whatsoever. The only service that exists is run by a firm called Britair (who occasionally outsource the actual flight operations to Scotair) who run the Air France route between Strasbourg Entzheim and London City.

As far as the service goes itself, it’s top notch. A dinky plane, usually half full, takes you straight into the heart of London, without the inconvenience of a five mile hike to the arrivals hall, nor having to find your way to London proper via train or coach. The downside is, it can be rather pricey, particularly if you need to travel during an EU Parliamentary sitting.

There is one other option nearby, which is about as convenient, as comfortable and as timely as an outbreak of acne. Ryanair run a direct service between London Stansted (near-ish London) and Karlsruhe/Baden-Baden (near-ish to Strasbourg). They also run a mini-bus service between Baden Airpark and Strasbourg, care of a firm called Eberhardt Flightliner, to meet up with the departing and arriving services from London (no such luck for passengers arriving from Dublin).

Alas, the minibus is usually driven by a German with precisely no knowledge (or total fear) of the local French road system. For if they were to even casually glance at a map of Alsace they would notice that taking the A35, a motorway which runs directly from Strasbourg along the border to with a few kilometres of the Airpark, would cut the journey time to between 20 and 30 minutes, from the tedious 45 to 60 minutes it usually takes them on the German roads.

The price of the minibus is currently 17 Euro one way (return tickets are only valid for same-day return - so while they are slightly better value, they are at the same time utterly pointless). Children pay half price (and a child includes babies as far as I can work out), although there are no child nor baby seats aboard the bus. To cap it all the the bus picks you up / dumps you at the (sometimes closed) coach park in the middle of a roundabout at Place Etoile.

So all in all, if you add in the cost of having to negotiate the Flightliner minibus and the Stansted express, the cost of the Ryanair flight starts to look less attractive. In fact it starts to look downright repulsive when you realise that the extra time required to deal with these over-priced and unreliable connections will up your travel time to somewhere near six hours door to door, and your stress levels to somewhere near life-threatening. The fact is it’s easier (and often quicker) to take the train.

So here’s my advice. If you have to get to London from Strasbourg (or vice versa) check out the prices in this order: Air France; Eurostar; SNCF; Ryanair (but remember to add in the connection costs).

End of lecture.

We finally received our ‘list’ for our eldest’s first year at school. It seems that 3 year olds don’t have much need for stationery:

1. exercise book 320mm x 240mm with protective plastic cover (and name on)
2. portfolio booklet with at least 40 sleeves (and name on)
3. daps (with name on the in-sole)
4. two boxes of tissues
5. two rolls of absorbent kitchen roll
6. one bar of soap and some plastic bags
7. a cheque for 45 Euro to cover tea breaks
8. a cheque for 30 Euro to cover school trips
9. school insurance certificate

One can only assume that by the time he’s sixteen that things like soap, tissues and kitchen roll will no longer be a requirement?

That’s it. I’m now in the system for good. When the cops type my name into their central database - bang - back it will come. Hulley, Barth; one speeding ticket, 3rd August 2008, travelling at 11km over the speed limit on the northbound A35 at Geispolsheim in a rented Fiat Bravo.

Speed cameras eh - doncha love em? 11km for goodness sake.

I have sent off my cheque and now await the judiciary’s decision as to how many points they will opt to put on my license. Though luckily it should be zero - as I still have my UK permit!

The first time we visited Strasbourg, way back in 2004, we stumbled across Baggersee beach and, along with many other things here, we listed it as yet another good reason to move to Strasbourg. So move we did.

Baggersee Plage is a well hidden, white sandy beach set beside a small lake not far from Central Strasbourg. Easily accessible by tram, it is free to use, a short walk from the Auchan hypermarket at Ilkirch, and therefore, understandably, a popular destination during hot weather.

Contrary to popular belief, the water is crystal clear and clean enough to support the hundreds of little fish that swim in the shallows (and that have thus far refused to nibble at my toes whenever I go for a paddle). During the summer season there is a permanent lifeguard, a beach patrol, a café, open-air showers (v. cold), volleyball nets and plenty of space to spread out.

So although Strasbourg might be as far from the seaside as you can get, just about everything you get at the coast is here. Except of course for waves and the endless horizon.

But there are alternatives if you find Baggersee too crowded for your liking. There is a lido in Wacken (but you have to pay), a public beach at Lac Achard in Ilkirch (but it’s next to the motorway) and a naturist beach in Robertsau Forest (but you have to take all your clothes off).

Twice a day Monday to Friday (I think), at midday and fifteen minutes later at precisely 12.15 the peace and quiet of the Contades district of Strasbourg is shattered by the sound of an almighty air-raid siren. Well, it obviously can’t be an ‘air-raid’ siren, because there aren’t any air-raids, but it is a siren nonetheless. Loud and brutal.

The question is : where is this noise coming from, and why? Is it the official lunchtime toll? Is it a pigeon scarer? I need some help here. Can anyone solve the great air-raid siren mystery of Strasbourg?

There is a highly impressive advert on TV at the moment for Oxford exercise books. It’s an expensively produced commercial that utilises the latest technology to combine computer generated images with a montage of exciting scenes - as imagined by the young girl featured in the ad. There are explosions, monsters, collapsing buildings and all that kind of caper.

At first viewing you think ‘nice ad’. Then it hits you, how on earth can a manufacturer of note books afford to show possibly one of the most lavishly produced commercials of the year across hundreds of prime time TV slots across the networks? Answer: La rentrée.

The week leading up to the first day back at school is know across France as ‘La rentrée’; literally ‘the re-entry’. It is at this time of year that parents in a near state of panic drag their protesting offspring to the nearest stationers or supermarket to tick off everything on the school shopping list - as provided by the school.

While in the UK it is school uniform that we are blackmailed into buying, in France it is stationery, and with 12 million students returning to school this week, you can see Oxford’s motivation to get their name out there with a hip and sexy commercial, even if their product is duller than party political conference.

It is at this time of year that the French Tax directorate break the news to the general public as to how much tax they’ll each have to pay over the coming year. While I am sure it is coincidence that everyone’s annual tax bill lands on their doorstep right now, when they’ll away on holiday, I feel the timing is generally a good thing.

Firstly, because it is unlikely to spoil your holiday, as you probably won’t read it until you return towards the end of August. Secondly, having no doubt already spent a fortune on holiday, the annual tax bill adds that extra bit of impetus to get back to work and knuckle down (travailller plus pour gagner plus) for the September ‘rentrée’.

That said, while the British seem to think that the French ’socialist’ tax system is designed to squeeze as much out of the average tax payer as possible, I am happy to report that this is not the case. Take me for example - my little green bill indicates that I am required only to hand over 5.26% of last years earnings to the government. Good eh?

And the trains are still running!